Area Man Believes It’s Time to Start Farting in Front of His Girlfriend

It’s a sunny day. Hopeful, even.

Evan Woods bravely stands outside the apartment of Sophie Grant, his girlfriend of three months and seventeen days.

“And six hours, if you want to get all exact about it,” Woods said.

He takes a deep breath and explains that, though he really likes Grant, it’s time to put their relationship to the ultimate test. Some people believe that test is moving in together, but not Woods.

“See, if you haven’t farted in front of each other yet, and then you move in together, and one day you’re just sitting there watching a movie and you don’t want to make up some lame excuse as to why you need to leave the room for a second, you need to be able to let one go without fear of being asked to move out.”

When asked if he thought flatulence brought up a hygiene issue, he shook his head no and rambled on about “positive, reaffirming colon cleansing” and “air ducts.”

Some people choose to believe that “cutting the cheese” is an unacceptable public practice. We caught up with Pamela Dawson, one of Woods’ neighbors, who agrees with this point of view.

“It’s like pollution. Only disrespectful people pollute,” Dawson said. “Sometimes, yeah, it’s funny to pollute. I get it. I was a kid once. But that’s the stuff that ruins relationships. Ruins trust. My first husband polluted a lot. It’s just…global warming, you know?”

Woods openly disagreed. “One, I’ve never liked people who use metaphors. I never know what they’re really saying. Two, flatulence only ruins trust when not discussed first. Sure, surprise farts are almost never a good thing. Trust broken. But an expected fart, pre-warned…no way that can ruin trust.”

So, as Woods squares his shoulders and makes his way into his unassuming girlfriend’s house, one thing is clear: it’s not really about farting. It’s about honesty, respect, and being who you really are in order to establish solid, emotional relationships and support systems.

UPDATE: Woods and Grant are no longer together. According to Woods, Grant had been on the Atkins diet for quite awhile and “long story short, she let one go on the way home from dinner, and I kind of threw up in her car. I didn’t apologize because I was trapped and it wasn’t fair because she doesn’t have automatic windows. She broke up with me. Probably for the best.”