Snowden now blames leak on a “REPLY-ALL” mistake

“Some girls at work thought I was really edgy for trying to take down the man.  So while initially I had planned on saying it was a mistake, I started saying I did it on purpose and that my main motive was freedom.  They loved the part about freedom,” said Edward Snowden from the transit area of Sheremetyevo Airport in Moscow on leaking NSA information.

Snowden mentioned there were several times he could have contained the situation but chose to act against his best instincts.

“Well, I started to enjoy a certain level of celebrity that I was comfortable with,” said Snowden.

He went on to talk about how the charges of espionage provided a level of excitement for life he thought unattainable.  “When your life starts to become like a spy movie, you know you’re doing it right,” said Snowden.

“But then everything got out of hand fast like a snowball effect or what I like to call now the ‘Snowden’ effect,” continued Snowden, with a wink.

“Now, I’m in Moscow and basically reaching out to any country that will grant me asylum,” he remarked.

He plans to be very careful in the future with emails though he already admitted to accidentally sending his first asylum request to Ecuador to the wrong email account.

“The email didn’t bounce, so I thought it made it to the right officials.  But that mistake is the main reason I’ve been tied up in Moscow so long,” said Snowden.

Man burns tongue on pizza, doesn’t learn lesson

A ghost eats a dangerous pizza.

Last night at 11:03 pm, Sam Meier was rushed to a local emergency room in Atlanta after burning his tongue on a slice of Digiorno’s pizza.

“For the burn to require hospitalization, the pizza must have literally been on fire at the time.  Why he decided to still try to eat it?  I can’t tell you, but man, he must have been hungry,” said admitting physician, Dr. Keith Bogart.

This is not Meier’s first lesson on the importance of waiting for pizza to cool.  He was previously treated for third degree tongue burns in 2012 and 2010.

“Doing something repeatedly that you know will bring severe physical harm is the definition of addiction.  The only way to understand this behavior is that either consciously or subconsciously Sam hates himself,” said Meier’s psychiatrist, Dr. Baxter Asworth.

Meier was not able to speak at the time of the interview due to injuries sustained, but he was able to write his thoughts.  “I knew that the pizza should be hot.  I took it out of the oven which was set at 425 ⁰F and then blew on it a little bit thinking it would knock a few degrees off.  But I was wrong.  Horribly wrong,” wrote Meier.  It should be noted that Meier underlined “Horribly wrong” seven times.

Health policy advocates are now calling for images of burned tongues to be featured on the packaging for all brands of frozen pizza like Digiorno.  But experts in the field speculate this preventative measure is unlikely to come about because of the powerful frozen pizza lobby.

Study finds you can get sunburned at places other than the beach

Leading scientists at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) proved that it is possible to get sunburned when you are not at the beach.  “It makes sense.  I just don’t know why we hadn’t thought of it before,” said Dr. Jasper Hevers, chief researcher of this effort.

Hevers said he got the idea after returning home from watching a Baltimore Orioles baseball game to find his skin red and painful to touch.  “I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, ‘Is this a sunburn?  But I wasn’t even at the beach,’” Hevers recounted.

A survey was distributed by the NIH before Hever’s study which found 87% of people say they have never even thought of applying sunscreen when not at the beach.  Of the 13% who had, only 4% had actually done so.  Of that 4%, 100% are not fun to hang out with.

Hevers conducted his study by attending the Bonnaroo musical festival in Manchester, Tennessee. There he distributed SPF 50 sunscreen to five hundred festival attendees and enrolled another five hundred who would not receive sunscreen.

“The results were astounding.  Basically every single person who did not receive sunscreen got burned pretty badly.  Then I verified the results by checking Google Maps, and there definitely wasn’t an ocean nearby,” Hevers reported.

Dr. Hevers now plans to promote how important it is to apply sunscreen when outdoors.  “I hope that one day people who are fun to hang out with start using sunscreen when at places other than the beach,” said Dr. Hevers.

Relationship Repo business takes off by taking back

Have you ever had a relationship end, only to find you left something of yours of value in an ex’s apartment?  You really want that something… say, some DVDs or a t-shirt with sentimental value, but you just can’t bring yourself to ask for it back?  Relationship Repo is cornering this void in the market by providing a repossession service from your ex.  For 10% of the value of the item being reclaimed, Relationship Repo helps you avoid any awkwardness or stress that accompanies getting your stuff back.

“My ex-boyfriend basically had half of my Tupperware set at his apartment.  So rather than buying it again new, Relationship Repo made him clean it all then give it back for only $7,” said Jennifer Russell , a recent customer.

While customers are enthusiastic about the repossession services, there has been some resistance from ex’s along the way.

“Yeah, it gets kind of crazy sometimes because the ex is all like, ‘Who are you?  I’ve never heard of Relationship Repo.  Hey, that’s my stuff!  Stop it, I’m calling the police.  You’re here only for the first 3 seasons of Seinfeld on DVD?  Did John send you?   Typical John, he never could do anything for himself,’” said Allen Wood, CEO of Relationship Repo.

Relationship Repo plans to release their initial public offering of stock in the next month.