Anthony Weiner Looks Particularly “Weiner-Like” In News Photo: Masses Chuckle

…look at that veiny neck-shaft.

Fruitvale Station: The Trayvon Martin Prequel

The riveting Sundance jury prize-winner, Fruitvale Station, opened in limited release last weekend to an audience primed for tragedy and social injustice.

Based on the true story of Oscar Grant—a 22-year-old African-American man—fatally shot by an Oakland transit authority police officer in 2009, the film jarringly opens with shaky iPhone footage of the night’s tragic events. The gunshot rings out, the screen cuts to black, and the sold-out crowd of New York’s Angelika gasps in unison. What follows is a complex and passionate portrait of a human being—not a headline—in his last 24 hours, before his untimely and unjust death.

The compact film (84 minutes of stifling tears) is a celebration of Oscar’s imperfect life, not a posthumous martyrdom. Rising star, Michael B. Jordan (Chronicle), deftly embodies a flawed man, simultaneously capable of kindness and spite: a father, a partner, a son.

Fruitvale adeptly balances its evocation of heartbreak and anger, but is a distracting societal relic of prejudices past—a virtual implausibility in 2013. Grant’s killer, Officer Johannes Mehserle, served 11 months (of a two-year sentence) for involuntary manslaughter, after claiming to have mistaken his gun for his Taser. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s exactly one guilty verdict more than George Zimmerman, who mistook his neighborhood-watch post for the Bat Cave when he shot and killed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. Moreover, we’re living in post-racial America, where our President isn’t constantly hounded for his birth certificate; where a fundamental part of the Voting Rights Act wasn’t upheld because nine historically-discriminatory states pinky-swore they’d behave; where even Chris Tucker can be cast in an Academy Award-nominated film.

Thematically, Fruitvale Station is awash with antiquated race relations, serving as the fictionalized backdrop for forthcoming franchise installments. Outside of the film’s universe, four years have passed since that fateful New Year’s Eve and progress has steadily marched on. Now, Jay-Z’s 99 problems consist mostly of popularizing Tom Ford as a lyric, Kanye West sells $120 T-shirts, and somewhere in post-racial America Miley Cyrus is (still) twerking.

Bestiality Movement Pawing at Legalization

Hot.

In light of the very recent landmark SCOTUS decision–negating the constitutionality of DOMA and dismissing California’s Prop 8–another sexual freedoms movement, advocating for the legalization of bestiality, has gained traction. As feared (by all Americans residing below the Mason-Dixon), the controversial ruling has opened the gateway for other challengers in defining marriage and defiling its sanctity.

As with anyone who claims second-class status in modern America, the Zoophile community has earned its right to be considered and heard, with a speech at the DNC. The gay rights movement has irrevocably muddied the waters of sexual normalcy; every debate about morals has been reduced to a question of consent.

“I refuse to be society’s unacceptable pervert,” said Marcus O’Dowd, an animal sex advocate whose ten-month sexual relationship with a spider monkey is documented in his forthcoming memoir, Bananas for You. “Is it really that repulsive to be in a relationship with a partner who can feel my love and express hers? Trust me when I saw that after we make love, Antoinette embraces me and we share each other’s loving gaze.”

Unexpected as it may be, the GOP was right all along: the normalization of sex outside heterosexual marriage has confounded America’s red, white and Eww.

North Carolina: Looking Forward, the Backward Way

The smile of progress.

Gaining nationwide notoriety last weekend hasn’t slowed down the nation’s fastest-moving state in reverse, North Carolina, from setting national precedent. Not since Blood Done Sign My Name has the Tar Heel State been pitied by the rest of the country, resented by its younger generation, and hailed by its old, rich (or stupid), and white. Times like these teach us that elections really matter, and with the first Republican-controlled state executive and legislative branches since Reconstruction, North Carolina is in for a wild ride until election season comes back around. Here are a few more bills we can expect to see passed in the coming months.

• Public school textbooks will be replaced with editions from 1865.
• De-desegregated water fountains, schools, and interpersonal relationships.
• Incrimination of people who watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
• Public school teaching assistants will be replaced with monkeys, which cost less to employ and are funny to look at.
• Teachers with master’s degrees will not be paid more, but will be rewarded with a yearly subscription to Field & Stream magazine.
• Reinstating the word “God” into the Pledge of Allegiance, so much that it replaces all of the other words. The new pledge will be, “God god god, god god god, god god god, Second Amendment, Amen.”
• “Bring Your Gun to Work Day”
• Legal gay-bashing or bashing of anyone whose mannerisms upset your grandmother.
• “Indentured Servant” unemployment programs (wink wink, nudge nudge)
• State subsidies for NC’s growing film industry – to create The Birth of a Nation 2.

Here’s hoping that North Carolina’s cutting-edge regression has some long-term benefits that the rest of the country just can’t see yet. Perhaps it’s a play to help boost the economy. Attention in the New York Times can only be good for tourism, right?

Snowden now blames leak on a “REPLY-ALL” mistake

“Some girls at work thought I was really edgy for trying to take down the man.  So while initially I had planned on saying it was a mistake, I started saying I did it on purpose and that my main motive was freedom.  They loved the part about freedom,” said Edward Snowden from the transit area of Sheremetyevo Airport in Moscow on leaking NSA information.

Snowden mentioned there were several times he could have contained the situation but chose to act against his best instincts.

“Well, I started to enjoy a certain level of celebrity that I was comfortable with,” said Snowden.

He went on to talk about how the charges of espionage provided a level of excitement for life he thought unattainable.  “When your life starts to become like a spy movie, you know you’re doing it right,” said Snowden.

“But then everything got out of hand fast like a snowball effect or what I like to call now the ‘Snowden’ effect,” continued Snowden, with a wink.

“Now, I’m in Moscow and basically reaching out to any country that will grant me asylum,” he remarked.

He plans to be very careful in the future with emails though he already admitted to accidentally sending his first asylum request to Ecuador to the wrong email account.

“The email didn’t bounce, so I thought it made it to the right officials.  But that mistake is the main reason I’ve been tied up in Moscow so long,” said Snowden.

2013: Top 5 Summer Vacation Spots (to Hide from the NSA)

Well, summertime is finally here! It’s a time to kick back, relax, and hope the government isn’t looking through your porn collection on your computer. Texting your boyfriend to discuss going to the beach? “Count us in!” says the NSA. SnapChatting some cute bikini pics to your friends? Well, Reggie in the surveillance department thanks you.

Privacy is sooooo o-u-t, OUT! But there’s still plenty of time to enjoy your summer vacation like they do on TV! Ever watched Big Brother on CBS? Well now, Big Brother is watching you!

Check out our choices for hot vacation spots this year!

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Moscow, Russia

Did we say hot? We meant cold. Like pretty damn cold, we hear. But all you need is a bottle of vodka and your political assylum to keep you warm at night! Plus maybe you’ll get lucky and find someone special at one of the… spire-topped… buildings. “In Soviet Russia, summer break you!”

Antarctica

We were going to put Cancun in our number two slot, but with such close proximity to the U.S.? More like CAN’Tcun! So this year we’re recommending beautiful Antarctica! With average July temperatures of -75° F, you and the whole family will be itching to take off your wool sweaters and show off those sleek and sexy under-sweaters. Kick back and relax in an igloo and play with the polar bears! Or the penguins… which ones live in Antarctica again?

Hong Kong, China

Ludacris said it best when he recommended getting his “eyes chinky here with Chingy at the Holidae Inn,” but when it comes to hotels that are free from US government agents busting down your door – more like Holidae OUT! You’ll want to stay in one of the luxurious hotels of Hong Kong, China. Enjoy the sights of an entirely new culture and landscape from the view of the crack in the cardboard you put over your window! Leak as many documents as you can muster right from the comfort of your twin size cot. You can even order room service! Just make sure that sweet and sour pork isn’t sweet and sour POISONED! ;)

Your Basement

For many of us this summer, we’re just fed up with having our privacy breached and freedoms impeded. Fear not! If you’re looking for a getaway on a budget, consider a “staycation.” Rip that phone out of the wall! Your Internet and computer, too! And your television! That could have a tiny little camera in it, right? Toss them all in the back yard and enjoy a nice bonfire. But don’t unplug and burn your blender – you’ll need it for margaritas while you board up your doors and windows!

Mars

How about a vacation that’s out of this world? Look no further than scenic Mars! The one (and only) destination guaranteed to offer the privacy and respect that only a dead red planet can. Bring your oxygen tanks, because Mars looks like the only place that offers some room to breathe.