Incognito: Methods of Mini-Vacationing at the Workplace

The daily grind can be… well, a grind. They don’t call it the daily R&R or the daily isolation tank for a reason. For the throngs of people going through the hum-drum hustle and bustle of everyday life, finding the brief opportunities to hide out at work can be the difference between thrusting your head through your computer screen or having yourself a nice “woo-sah” and making it through to 5:00. Here are some tips to help capitalize on brief vacation opportunities – and these are paid vacations, mind you.

1. Bathroom Solace

   Bathroom breaks are the one thing your iron-fisted supervisor can’t take away from you. What are we, farm-hands? When you gotta go, you gotta go, and taking those brief breaks on your own porcelain La-z-boy can be enough to help make it through your next spreadsheet.
   You have to be careful when navigating bathroom breaks – where does your boss sit? In a secluded office away from you? Do they have direct view of your cubicle? If they have the opportunity to see you get up 15 times in a single day, it may raise some questions. In the event of an interrogation regarding your bathroom habits, feel free to use any of the following: bad chinese/mexican/any kind of foreign cuisine of your choosing the previous evening, having a weak bladder, diabetes, or the age-old Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Ahh, yes… the pièce de résistance of gross excuses to make frequent trips to the bathroom. Pulling the IBS Card is a 99% guaranteed way of avoiding further questions for the sake of decency and having a free pass to sneaking away from your office to play Temple Run 2 for 5 minutes at a time. Watch out for those monkeys!

2. Podcasts

   Sitting at one’s desk and focusing on nothing but data entry or Excel formulas can get pretty old, pretty fast. Does your boss let you put in headphones at work? For goodness sake, don’t let it go to waste. Giggle to yourself semi-audibly as you listen to Marc Maron drop the F-bomb a hundred times in the course of an hour on WTF with Marc Maron. Check out the Nerdist channel with dozens of available podcasts about comedy, nerd-dom, and more. They say curse words too! Just make sure your headphones are in before you start playing – the quickest way to get taken out of your happy place is having Pete Holmes talk about all of his awkward sexual encounters and you forgot to put in your headphones. If this happens and your boss approaches you, deny deny deny. “Whaaaat? This isn’t my Gmail account! I just hit this button and… wowzers. The Internet sure is dangerous!”

3. Mental Breakdowns

   The previous two are mainly targeted toward those of us with office jobs – not really the service industry. But rest assured, workforce, we’ve all been there too, and if anyone needs a mini-vacation it’s the good people at your local eatery or coffee shop. Being forced to stand in front of guests all day and being yelled at for your assumed incompetency (despite your college degree) can wear on the soul, and sometimes you need to take a moment to relax.
   Having a mental breakdown is a classic technique to get what you want. If you don’t want to go back out and face the terrible customers at table 32, freak out! Are you an actor? Whip up some tears! Don’t make it about the job, either – that’s how your boss questions your ability to handle the work load. Carry around a wallet-sized photo of a dog with you, and let someone find you wailing while holding onto it next to the drink machine. When they ask what’s wrong (even if they don’t) tell them Sparkles is terribly sick. “The doctor says he won’t come back from it… he only has a few days to live!”
   It should be noted that this technique works very well for attractive females. Every restaurant has that one manager who is way to inappropriate with the female waitstaff. Take advantage of his susceptibility to female attention and tell him you need a moment to weep the loss of your dog. If he seems like he won’t relent, talk about how nobody in the restaurant likes you and everyone keeps giving you a hard time! Make it the boss’s fault! People will hate you, but hey – how much is a little alone time really worth?

4. Pull the Fire Alarm

   Oops… did I say that? Don’t do that. Good Giant does not condone the practice of pulling the fire alarm, and is totally opposed to the practice, which is totally illegal, of pulling the fire alarm without just cause, just so everyone has to leave the building and wait for 30 oh-so-appreciated minutes of fresh air while you wait for the fire department to arrive. Good Giant absolutely opposes putting a wad of tin-foil in the microwave in the break room and setting it on level 10 for 15 minutes. We absolutely do not agree with assuring your awkward cubicle neighbor that “cooking over an open flame in the break room is 100% allowed! Didn’t you get the memo?” Don’t do that. Wink-wink. Wait, no wink-wink… Wink. Wink-wink. Wink-wink-wink. Wink-wink. Wink-wink-wink-wink-wink-ow, my eye…

5. Give Your Boss a Scavenger Hunt

   Everyone loves a good scavenger hunt! And if your boss is the kind of supervisor who desperately wants the approval of his/her staff, it might do you some good to surprise them with “something the office put together for you.” This one takes some planning. Get to work early and post your magazine-cut-out letter on their computer screen telling them the office put together an adventure for them. Lead them to the break room. Then to the conference room. Then to the parking lot. Then back to the break room, and repeat. When your supervisor realizes he’s been going in circles, he’ll come by your office and say, “Who’s responsible for this!?” At this point, everyone in the office reveals that they too have scavenger hunt notes on their computers! (Optional: If someone in the office does a great Nicholas Cage impression, have him/her declare, “We have to find the Declaration of Independence!“)

6. Hire a Traveling Carnival

   Okay, okay, here’s one… so get in touch with a traveling carnival, bouncy-castle company, petting zoo, whatever, and tell them to arrive at your office at noon. When you see that they’re ready outside, declare, “Office Party!” If your boss asks questions, tell them corporate sent out a memo yesterday, duh. If your supervisor has any childhood left in their hardened heart at all, they’ll be like, “Well… okay, you crazy employees.” Encourage everyone to convince your boss to get in the dunking booth, and give them a humiliation bath. The time it takes to dry off will almost certainly keep everyone out of the office until closing time.

7. Build a House of Mirrors in the Building

   At closing time, after you’ve clocked out and packed up all your things, head to the bathroom and lock the door. Climb the toilet to reach the ceiling, move a panel aside, and climb up there and hide. Wait for about 5 hours until it’s dark and you’re sure the cleaning staff has left. When you’re ready, drop down and pull the giant floor-to-ceiling mirrors out of the various locations you’ve been hiding them all over the office for the past few months. Commence to setting them up right from the elevator door to lead your boss and coworkers into a maze of confusion and dismay. Extra credit if you can have the elevator doors shut behind them and then deactivate the call buttons. Extra-extra credit if you thought ahead enough to plant booby traps around the various corridors you’ve created. Make sure your boss winds up in a circle-mirror chamber with you at the very end and say, “Very good, very good… but which one of us is the real Darryl Erlenmeyer?” Have your smoke bombs ready.

8. Start a Blog

   Not to get too meta, but if you’d prefer not resort to extreme measures as listed above, start a blog about an interest of yours and spend copious amounts of time writing articles for it at work. When your boss comes by and asks about your progress on your latest project, go with, “Yeah, making some progress… but this one’s a toughy!” Better start practicing your shrugs and incredulous expressions in the mirror.

“COMPUTERS SURE ARE HARD!!!”

Anthony Weiner Looks Particularly “Weiner-Like” In News Photo: Masses Chuckle

…look at that veiny neck-shaft.

How To Bed Bug Proof Your Apartment in NYC

Well, August is quickly approaching, which means that students of NYU or Columbia University will be moving into brand new apartments soon, and young recent-graduates will be starting jobs in the big city. One problem that you read about a lot, but never think will happen to you (until it inevitably does) is BED BUGS. Bed bug infestations are common in New York City, so taking as many precautions as possible to prevent an invasion of your apartment is imperative.

Here are some steps you can take to protect yourself and your loved ones:

1. Interrogate The Building Owner With Nipple Clamps and a Car Battery
   Now, you might read this and think, “Hey, that seems excessive.” Well here’s a bit of information that you should know: All New York City landlords, brokers, and building managers are liars. They’re a part of a secret cult on par with the Illuminati whose sole purpose is to place unsuspecting apartment tenants into poorly cared for apartments. You’ll read the ad for the apartment on Craigslist that says, “GR8 2 BEDROOM! BEAUTIFULLY RENOVATED! BEST APT EVERRRRR!” and upon moving in, within two weeks, be covered with bed bug bites. The only tried-and-true preventative measure is to meet the landlord of your building, follow him home after work, abduct him in an unmarked van, and Saw-style torture him until he admits that he hasn’t had the apartment building properly inspected for bed bugs in years.
2. Mustard Gas Your Neighbors
   New York City law states that when bed bugs have been found in an apartment in any dwelling, then the landlord should take it upon himself to have the neighboring units inspected and treated as well. But have you seen the guy who lives in the apartment next to you? The guy who you’ve only seen leave his apartment once in three months, who wears nothing more than a single bunny slipper and his wretched, hole-filled underwear? You once happened to walk by his apartment when he left his door open, and the inside looked like the creepy meat hook-filled basement that Hellraiser lives in. You think that guy has had his apartment inspected or treated? Your landlord is as nervous about approaching him for anything as you are. The only solution is to go in Rambo-style: rappel from the roof, if you have roof access, to his window and bust in. Throw as many pesticides around the apartment as you can and GET OUT OF THERE. There’s a slight chance you’ll harm the tenant of the apartment this way – but hey, it’s what he gets if he doesn’t do his part in the war on bed bugs.
3. Burn Down Your Building
   By this point, you may have found yourself in a tough situation – your New York City dream life has been put on hold for months now, as you can no longer invite friends over to your apartment for fear they’ll carry bed bugs out with them. You’ve undergone three or four treatments from the “exterminator” that the land lord hired to basically walk around your apartment for 45 minutes to an hour, spray some Raid on the top of your mattress, and then rummage through your fridge. You washed, cleaned, and vacuumed countless times – and your girlfriend has left you like the diseased social pariah you truly are. Sometimes there’s no winning in the battle against ultimate evil, and just like in The Shining, the only way to truly beat the demons that haunt your home is to let the boiler pressure get so high that it blows the whole fucker to Kingdom Come. But be aware that even if this real-life horror movie ends with you burning down your possessed apartment building and you walking off into the night slightly burnt and wondering where to go next, the camera is almost certain to pan back around and show one single bed bug crawl out from the wreckage. In the sequel, they’ll be back with a vengeance.
4. Don’t Move Here
   There’s too many people here. That’s why bed bugs get spread so rapidly. Just don’t. If you’re already here, leave. Don’t come back. If you thought for just a moment that maybe you could make life work in this hellish, diseased wasteland, you’re wrong. Save yourself and move to Seattle. Their bed bugs tend to be college-educated.

North Carolina: Looking Forward, the Backward Way

The smile of progress.

Gaining nationwide notoriety last weekend hasn’t slowed down the nation’s fastest-moving state in reverse, North Carolina, from setting national precedent. Not since Blood Done Sign My Name has the Tar Heel State been pitied by the rest of the country, resented by its younger generation, and hailed by its old, rich (or stupid), and white. Times like these teach us that elections really matter, and with the first Republican-controlled state executive and legislative branches since Reconstruction, North Carolina is in for a wild ride until election season comes back around. Here are a few more bills we can expect to see passed in the coming months.

• Public school textbooks will be replaced with editions from 1865.
• De-desegregated water fountains, schools, and interpersonal relationships.
• Incrimination of people who watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
• Public school teaching assistants will be replaced with monkeys, which cost less to employ and are funny to look at.
• Teachers with master’s degrees will not be paid more, but will be rewarded with a yearly subscription to Field & Stream magazine.
• Reinstating the word “God” into the Pledge of Allegiance, so much that it replaces all of the other words. The new pledge will be, “God god god, god god god, god god god, Second Amendment, Amen.”
• “Bring Your Gun to Work Day”
• Legal gay-bashing or bashing of anyone whose mannerisms upset your grandmother.
• “Indentured Servant” unemployment programs (wink wink, nudge nudge)
• State subsidies for NC’s growing film industry – to create The Birth of a Nation 2.

Here’s hoping that North Carolina’s cutting-edge regression has some long-term benefits that the rest of the country just can’t see yet. Perhaps it’s a play to help boost the economy. Attention in the New York Times can only be good for tourism, right?

Monsters University: Lesson Learned

A monster.

The Pixar machine has churned out its fourteenth feature with Monsters University. Even as a prequel, MU falls easily into the Pixar library, bolstering the CGI house’s universal adoration and undiluted creativity.

It’s Pixar’s relentless pursuit of timeless storytelling that enables Monsters University to (surprisingly) stand on its own while also marrying it to Monsters Inc. MU is an excellent reintroduction to a universe whose novelty has yet to wear off, as we explore a new corner with familiar inhabitants: Mike (Billy Crystal) and James P. “Sulley” Sullivan (John Goodman).

We’re reunited with Mike and Sulley, bearing witness to the formation of their partnership and unconventional evolution into the premier Scarers of Monsters Inc. The film immediately establishes a narrative of following the unexpected path; checklists and family legacies are null and void. The first act ends with the pair failing their first semester final at the very thing we know them to be best at (scaring) and getting dropped from the program. The high-stakes act break–a satisfying 180° from a threatingly-formulaic franchise film–was roughly when Leah stopped giving a fuck.

Enter Leah: the five-year-old Boo incarnate sitting directly in front of me. While literally every other moviegoer, diapered or otherwise, was enchanted by the Mickey Mouse’d representation of the collegiate lifestyle, Leah was calculating the trajectory of her seat-cum-catapult. She was unconscious of the welcomed vocal talents of Nathan Fillion, Josh Gad, and Bobby Moynihan, as she masterfully matched the movie’s volume with her own brand of surround sound. This tantrum machine was so intrusively disruptive, I’m conflating lines of the film’s dialogue with her mother’s admonitions.

For most kids, two hours is, understandably, too long to sit still for anything; for Leah, twenty minutes was her Zero Dark Thirty breaking point. The second act twist and fulfilling climax bridging the two Monsters movies were lost on her as she vacillated between high-pitched yelps for Mom, for soda, for fuzzy and the consequent sugar-induced rampage up and down the aisle–her light-up sneakers guiding her path of distraction. While I was trying to spot the notorious Pixar Easter eggs, Leah was watching me. Granted, I understood her confusion: with a toothy smile and unbrushed hair, I’m a passable Sulley.

Leah aside, Monsters University was not without its lessons. Firstly, don’t confine yourself to a path you’re too fearful to stray from–you’ll be pleasantly surprised where you end up. And secondly (but most importantly), NEVER confine yourself to a midweek matinee screening with children who don’t belong to you. To quote the eloquent Mike Wazowski: “Leah, shut up and watch the damn movie.”

Paula Deen to Star In “Racy” New Comedy

The horrifying promotional poster for “Behind the Times”

For some celebrities, using the dreaded n-word in the public eye can be a death sentence. But for a select few celebrities who have committed the ultimate faux pas, things may be looking up.

“People love shows about second chances,” said John Landgraf, president of FX. “We gave Charlie Sheen a second chance, and now we’re giving a whole cast of celebrities their opportunity to think twice before saying something they’ll regret.”

The show, titled “Behind the Times” is aptly named. The show will be about a small family from Savannah, Georgia in the year 1810 who gets transported to the future and has to learn to cope with modern day standards. Delilah Ann Cromp (Paula Deen) and husband Jeremiah Cromp (Michael Richards) must adjust to 21st Century living with their daughter Anna Ann Cromp (Gwyneth Paltro).

“It gets pretty heated,” said Landgraf. “They relocate to Atlanta shortly after they come to the future, and that’s when it’s time to fasten your seat belts.”

Every publicist in Hollywood has announced that none of their clients will be involved in the project, limiting opportunities for guest stars.

“They’ll see… once the pilot airs, everyone will want to be in the show. People love comebacks,” Landgraf insisted.

The show, set in Atlanta, will be shot in Wisconsin, for safety reasons.

Snowden now blames leak on a “REPLY-ALL” mistake

“Some girls at work thought I was really edgy for trying to take down the man.  So while initially I had planned on saying it was a mistake, I started saying I did it on purpose and that my main motive was freedom.  They loved the part about freedom,” said Edward Snowden from the transit area of Sheremetyevo Airport in Moscow on leaking NSA information.

Snowden mentioned there were several times he could have contained the situation but chose to act against his best instincts.

“Well, I started to enjoy a certain level of celebrity that I was comfortable with,” said Snowden.

He went on to talk about how the charges of espionage provided a level of excitement for life he thought unattainable.  “When your life starts to become like a spy movie, you know you’re doing it right,” said Snowden.

“But then everything got out of hand fast like a snowball effect or what I like to call now the ‘Snowden’ effect,” continued Snowden, with a wink.

“Now, I’m in Moscow and basically reaching out to any country that will grant me asylum,” he remarked.

He plans to be very careful in the future with emails though he already admitted to accidentally sending his first asylum request to Ecuador to the wrong email account.

“The email didn’t bounce, so I thought it made it to the right officials.  But that mistake is the main reason I’ve been tied up in Moscow so long,” said Snowden.

Man burns tongue on pizza, doesn’t learn lesson

A ghost eats a dangerous pizza.

Last night at 11:03 pm, Sam Meier was rushed to a local emergency room in Atlanta after burning his tongue on a slice of Digiorno’s pizza.

“For the burn to require hospitalization, the pizza must have literally been on fire at the time.  Why he decided to still try to eat it?  I can’t tell you, but man, he must have been hungry,” said admitting physician, Dr. Keith Bogart.

This is not Meier’s first lesson on the importance of waiting for pizza to cool.  He was previously treated for third degree tongue burns in 2012 and 2010.

“Doing something repeatedly that you know will bring severe physical harm is the definition of addiction.  The only way to understand this behavior is that either consciously or subconsciously Sam hates himself,” said Meier’s psychiatrist, Dr. Baxter Asworth.

Meier was not able to speak at the time of the interview due to injuries sustained, but he was able to write his thoughts.  “I knew that the pizza should be hot.  I took it out of the oven which was set at 425 ⁰F and then blew on it a little bit thinking it would knock a few degrees off.  But I was wrong.  Horribly wrong,” wrote Meier.  It should be noted that Meier underlined “Horribly wrong” seven times.

Health policy advocates are now calling for images of burned tongues to be featured on the packaging for all brands of frozen pizza like Digiorno.  But experts in the field speculate this preventative measure is unlikely to come about because of the powerful frozen pizza lobby.

Relationship Repo business takes off by taking back

Have you ever had a relationship end, only to find you left something of yours of value in an ex’s apartment?  You really want that something… say, some DVDs or a t-shirt with sentimental value, but you just can’t bring yourself to ask for it back?  Relationship Repo is cornering this void in the market by providing a repossession service from your ex.  For 10% of the value of the item being reclaimed, Relationship Repo helps you avoid any awkwardness or stress that accompanies getting your stuff back.

“My ex-boyfriend basically had half of my Tupperware set at his apartment.  So rather than buying it again new, Relationship Repo made him clean it all then give it back for only $7,” said Jennifer Russell , a recent customer.

While customers are enthusiastic about the repossession services, there has been some resistance from ex’s along the way.

“Yeah, it gets kind of crazy sometimes because the ex is all like, ‘Who are you?  I’ve never heard of Relationship Repo.  Hey, that’s my stuff!  Stop it, I’m calling the police.  You’re here only for the first 3 seasons of Seinfeld on DVD?  Did John send you?   Typical John, he never could do anything for himself,’” said Allen Wood, CEO of Relationship Repo.

Relationship Repo plans to release their initial public offering of stock in the next month.

STRANGER OF THE WEEK: Gary Nigel Wisp

Stranger Of The Week is a column in which reporter Miles Bonsignore delves into the life of a stranger in their natural element to unveil the truth and vulnerability of the common man. These are those interviews.

Gary Nigel Wisp

Gary Nigel Wisp sits alone at a computer in a local fair trade coffee shop. He is surrounded by a computer, a watch, and a mug with remnants of old cappuccino.

MILES: Gary! thanks for doing the interview.

GARY: Yes.

MILES: So you have a computer, what are you working on?

GARY: Buyin’ my mom cleats.

MILES: Okay, so your mom plays soccer?

GARY: No.

MILES: …okay. So why the cleats?

GARY: Shes falls a lot.

MILES: So the cleats are for traction?

GARY: My mom is a really big woman.

MILES: Gary, let’s get into some hard hitting questions. What do you want to be when you grow up?

GARY: Not my stepdad, he’s a dick.

MILES: Okay, so not your stepdad, but have you always wanted to be something? Maybe an astronaut or a lawyer?

GARY: Derrick said I would make a good doorstop.

MILES: Derrick is…?

GARY: My stepdad. He’s a dick.

 MILES: Got it. So back to your dreams. When you were a kid did y-

GARY: You’ve got a weird face.

MILES: Um. thanks.

GARY: And a big nose.

MILES: Ha. Yeah. It’s pretty big. I like to say its a Roman nose, because its Roamin’ all over my face!

GARY: My mom’s from Rome and she’d be really offended by that.

MILES: Oh, I didn’t mean to-

GARY: You know what you meant to do.

MILES: No, Seriously, I’m Italian myself!

GARY: …Really?

MILES: Well. Sicilian.

GARY: YOU ARE JUST LIKE DERRICK.

…

MILES: …It sounded like you were gonna storm off.

GARY: YOU can leave. I was sitting here first.

MILES: Well…I-

GARY: What?! DERRICK JR!

MILES: I… I need to charge my computer, and there’s an outlet at this table.

GARY: My mom would roll over in her grave if she knew I was talking to you.

MILES: Your mom’s dead? I thought you were-

GARY: YES. Okay… Every year I buy her a pair of cleats for the summer, because she would get sweaty and fall a lot. Then I throw them in the ocean, which is salty, like her sweat on a hot day.

MILES: Wow. That’s really sweet.

GARY: Thanks.

A car pulls up outside driven by a man with a mustache and a yellow polo shirt. She shouts Gary’s name and points at his watch. Gary sighs angrily and stands. Before he leaves, he looks at me one last time, and says his parting words.

GARY: Thats my stepdad. He really is a dick factory.