Snowden now blames leak on a “REPLY-ALL” mistake

“Some girls at work thought I was really edgy for trying to take down the man.  So while initially I had planned on saying it was a mistake, I started saying I did it on purpose and that my main motive was freedom.  They loved the part about freedom,” said Edward Snowden from the transit area of Sheremetyevo Airport in Moscow on leaking NSA information.

Snowden mentioned there were several times he could have contained the situation but chose to act against his best instincts.

“Well, I started to enjoy a certain level of celebrity that I was comfortable with,” said Snowden.

He went on to talk about how the charges of espionage provided a level of excitement for life he thought unattainable.  “When your life starts to become like a spy movie, you know you’re doing it right,” said Snowden.

“But then everything got out of hand fast like a snowball effect or what I like to call now the ‘Snowden’ effect,” continued Snowden, with a wink.

“Now, I’m in Moscow and basically reaching out to any country that will grant me asylum,” he remarked.

He plans to be very careful in the future with emails though he already admitted to accidentally sending his first asylum request to Ecuador to the wrong email account.

“The email didn’t bounce, so I thought it made it to the right officials.  But that mistake is the main reason I’ve been tied up in Moscow so long,” said Snowden.

Man burns tongue on pizza, doesn’t learn lesson

A ghost eats a dangerous pizza.

Last night at 11:03 pm, Sam Meier was rushed to a local emergency room in Atlanta after burning his tongue on a slice of Digiorno’s pizza.

“For the burn to require hospitalization, the pizza must have literally been on fire at the time.  Why he decided to still try to eat it?  I can’t tell you, but man, he must have been hungry,” said admitting physician, Dr. Keith Bogart.

This is not Meier’s first lesson on the importance of waiting for pizza to cool.  He was previously treated for third degree tongue burns in 2012 and 2010.

“Doing something repeatedly that you know will bring severe physical harm is the definition of addiction.  The only way to understand this behavior is that either consciously or subconsciously Sam hates himself,” said Meier’s psychiatrist, Dr. Baxter Asworth.

Meier was not able to speak at the time of the interview due to injuries sustained, but he was able to write his thoughts.  “I knew that the pizza should be hot.  I took it out of the oven which was set at 425 ⁰F and then blew on it a little bit thinking it would knock a few degrees off.  But I was wrong.  Horribly wrong,” wrote Meier.  It should be noted that Meier underlined “Horribly wrong” seven times.

Health policy advocates are now calling for images of burned tongues to be featured on the packaging for all brands of frozen pizza like Digiorno.  But experts in the field speculate this preventative measure is unlikely to come about because of the powerful frozen pizza lobby.