How To Bed Bug Proof Your Apartment in NYC

Well, August is quickly approaching, which means that students of NYU or Columbia University will be moving into brand new apartments soon, and young recent-graduates will be starting jobs in the big city. One problem that you read about a lot, but never think will happen to you (until it inevitably does) is BED BUGS. Bed bug infestations are common in New York City, so taking as many precautions as possible to prevent an invasion of your apartment is imperative.

Here are some steps you can take to protect yourself and your loved ones:

1. Interrogate The Building Owner With Nipple Clamps and a Car Battery
   Now, you might read this and think, “Hey, that seems excessive.” Well here’s a bit of information that you should know: All New York City landlords, brokers, and building managers are liars. They’re a part of a secret cult on par with the Illuminati whose sole purpose is to place unsuspecting apartment tenants into poorly cared for apartments. You’ll read the ad for the apartment on Craigslist that says, “GR8 2 BEDROOM! BEAUTIFULLY RENOVATED! BEST APT EVERRRRR!” and upon moving in, within two weeks, be covered with bed bug bites. The only tried-and-true preventative measure is to meet the landlord of your building, follow him home after work, abduct him in an unmarked van, and Saw-style torture him until he admits that he hasn’t had the apartment building properly inspected for bed bugs in years.
2. Mustard Gas Your Neighbors
   New York City law states that when bed bugs have been found in an apartment in any dwelling, then the landlord should take it upon himself to have the neighboring units inspected and treated as well. But have you seen the guy who lives in the apartment next to you? The guy who you’ve only seen leave his apartment once in three months, who wears nothing more than a single bunny slipper and his wretched, hole-filled underwear? You once happened to walk by his apartment when he left his door open, and the inside looked like the creepy meat hook-filled basement that Hellraiser lives in. You think that guy has had his apartment inspected or treated? Your landlord is as nervous about approaching him for anything as you are. The only solution is to go in Rambo-style: rappel from the roof, if you have roof access, to his window and bust in. Throw as many pesticides around the apartment as you can and GET OUT OF THERE. There’s a slight chance you’ll harm the tenant of the apartment this way – but hey, it’s what he gets if he doesn’t do his part in the war on bed bugs.
3. Burn Down Your Building
   By this point, you may have found yourself in a tough situation – your New York City dream life has been put on hold for months now, as you can no longer invite friends over to your apartment for fear they’ll carry bed bugs out with them. You’ve undergone three or four treatments from the “exterminator” that the land lord hired to basically walk around your apartment for 45 minutes to an hour, spray some Raid on the top of your mattress, and then rummage through your fridge. You washed, cleaned, and vacuumed countless times – and your girlfriend has left you like the diseased social pariah you truly are. Sometimes there’s no winning in the battle against ultimate evil, and just like in The Shining, the only way to truly beat the demons that haunt your home is to let the boiler pressure get so high that it blows the whole fucker to Kingdom Come. But be aware that even if this real-life horror movie ends with you burning down your possessed apartment building and you walking off into the night slightly burnt and wondering where to go next, the camera is almost certain to pan back around and show one single bed bug crawl out from the wreckage. In the sequel, they’ll be back with a vengeance.
4. Don’t Move Here
   There’s too many people here. That’s why bed bugs get spread so rapidly. Just don’t. If you’re already here, leave. Don’t come back. If you thought for just a moment that maybe you could make life work in this hellish, diseased wasteland, you’re wrong. Save yourself and move to Seattle. Their bed bugs tend to be college-educated.